I feel like I’m the only one trying in my marriage. Help!

I read the book you recommended [Love & Respect] and I loved it, read it in two days :) Things did get better after I read the book, but I’m having a hard time respecting my husband unconditionally because I feel like I am the only one putting effort into our relationship. And sometimes I pray that God give me patience and to help me respect him unconditionally, but it’s hard knowing that he’s not putting effort. Help! What should I do?

Yes, it’s hard and of course you feel discouraged. That’s natural; that’s normal. There’s no shame in that. Know that the Lord sees your faithfulness even if your husband doesn’t. Know that God will honor your faithfulness. Scripture talks about doing all our work (and marriage, particularly when it feels so one-sided, is most certainly work) as unto the Lord. You are being a witness to your husband, but ultimately you are serving the Lord. And you are not alone.

(Check out that whole passage in 1 Peter. It’s great. Start in chapter 2, verse 11 and go through chapter 4 which starts out with the helpful and encouraging exhortation: “Since Jesus went through everything you’re going through and more, learn to think like him.”)

It is hard. You’re right. But your efforts will never be for nothing. You are becoming a better human being if nothing else, with greater capacity for love and respect in general. God promises that nothing is wasted when we place it in his economy.

Stay in there. Persevere. Fight. The Lord is with you always.

I’m glad you enjoyed Love & Respect and find it helpful and insightful. You may want to read through all of it or parts of it again for encouragement. May I also suggest reading through the whole Bible. It’ll change your life. Here’s a plan to help, or if you have a smart phone, there are several Bible apps that have very helpful reading plans. Don’t worry about not being able to stick to the schedule all the time; hardly anyone is able to do that, especially the first time through. When you miss a day, don’t worry; just keep going!

I remain yours prayerfully,
Renea

What other advice would you give this young woman?

How else would you encourage her?

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Best & Worst Birthdays

Every Tuesday we gather at Speak What We Feel to ruminate together over questions about life both serious and silly to grow together in understanding and perspective of one another and of our world at large. Today’s question:

What are you getting me for my birthday on Thursday? (I prefer opals to diamonds.)

I've never been so jealous of an 8 year old before.

Okay seriously, what is your best birthday story? Which of course could include worst birthday story.

Here’s one that sorta counts as one of each:

During a laughter-filled dinner where dear friends chipped in for melt-in-my-mouth cedar plank salmon from Pappadeaux, my friends were getting a little miffed at our waitress who knew it was my birthday but never brought the staff to sing. This was perfectly fine with me, but each time our waitress would go sing Happy Birthday at another table, my friends’ sense of injustice rose and rose.

I consented to let my friends sing to me. After the meal. Outside the restaurant. Besides, they’ll sing in 4-part harmony and be way better than the poor, duty-bound waitstaff.

In the parking lot, my four friends begin to raise their voices, singing heart-felt Happy Birthday, when a middle-aged woman, quite inebriated, stumbles over to us, shouting over the song: Oh! That’s soooo goooood! That’s soo goood. It’s my birthday too! Oh, it’s my birthday too. It’s my birthday song! They’re singin’ for our birthdays; it’s so good…

And as my friends get to, Happy birthday dear… our new friend helpfully informs them of her name. My friends look at each other awkwardly and sing both our names while Inebriated sways and conducts. I’m grinning because I catch Kara’s eye, and I can tell by the fire there she’s not going to do it. And sure enough, with extra emphasis, I can hear Kara above the others holding out my name, singing it as loudly over the other woman’s name as possible, glaring at her. It. Was. Awesome.

Really, the whole situation was hilarious. My friends were aghast, but I wouldn’t trade this outlandish moment and the great story it is for a normal birthday serenade, no sir.

It’s one of my favorite birthday memories. What’s yours?

Okay, but seriously, what are you getting me for my birthday on Thursday? (I accept checks…)

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Loves Me, Loves Me Not

Reblogged from speak what we feel:

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A Theology of Romance I really appreciate and highly recommend Laura Smit’s book, Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love. It isn’t your typical book on singles and romance. Right away, the subtitle lets you know this book is special because while there are countless books on mutual love and our moral responsibilities as Christian lovers, hardly anyone writes about our responsibility toward virtue when feelings are not mutual. Smit begins with a “theology of romance” in which she …

Flashback Friday!

Ever been in a situation where you’re into someone but they’re not into you? What about when someone likes you but you have no romantic interest in them? All the time, right?

It’s a good thing there are so many helpful books at the Christian bookstore which talk about this scenario then. Oh wait. That’s entirely untrue. You’re only gonna find books on dating and marriage. Well, what about the other 80% of the time?

There is one book. Keep reading.

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My church discourages me from pursuing the Arts

I would like to become a great hip-hop dancer and also act commercially in movies as well as participate in beauty pageants, but my pentecostal community which happens to be absolutely conservative discourages me a lot… help me out in such a way that God’s grace would be favourable towards me.

Dear Maria,

Because of the nature of your question, I asked an artist friend of mine if she wouldn’t mind responding to your question, and she graciously said she would even though she’s super busy. I know you’ll benefit from being able to hear from someone in the arts who has struggled with the very thing you are struggling with. (See her response below.)

Please email again if you have other questions.

God’s grace and favor be upon you.
Renea

Maria,

As a Christian artist I, too, have felt discouraged at times in my artistic pursuits. Believers are biblically directed to use our God-given gifts and talents to serve the church and to reach unbelievers, yet many times “gifts and talents” is too narrowly defined; for example, sometimes where I live, serving… for women… equals baking, and ministering equals taking prayer requests. Of course baking and praying are legitimate ways to show God’s love to others, but why limit ourselves by defining service and ministry so narrowly? Where do the Arts come in? For many Protestant churches this answer lies solely in the music programs: choir programs, bands/orchestras/praise teams. Rarely are there outlets for the visual arts, literature, or performing arts (theatre, dance).

Unfortunately for Protestant church goers, this de-emphasis of the Arts goes all the way back to the Protestant Reformation, where early Protestant believers protested against the lavishness and ritual of the Catholic Church. 16th and 17th century Protestant churches were devoid of architectural and iconic ornamentation—ascetic to a fault. We lost the culture of performance while worshiping (bodies expressing love and devotion to God),
images within the church to teach and inspire, and buildings designed with sensitivity to show how architecture affects the human condition.

So what does this mean for you and me, creative individuals with talents for sculpting, painting, writing, singing and dancing? I have watched artistically minded Christians leave the Christian context for the world’s culture of entertainment, performance, and artistic expression because by the time we reach adulthood, we’ve been offered no serious opportunities to grow and develop our artistic abilities. This leaves us to pursue and learn about art and the purposes of the Arts in places that often leave out and ignore the redemptive end goal of the Arts. By “redemptive end goal of the Arts,” I mean, for example, how music, theatre, paintings and sculpture all attempt to slow us down and communicate with us in a way outside of logic-driven thinking, showing us nuance and multiplicity. Furthermore, art works redemptively in its unique ability to grow our human capacity for empathy. Novelist Frederick Buechner puts it this way:

There would be a strong argument for saying that much of the most powerful preaching of our time is the preaching of the poets, playwrights, novelists because it is often they better than the rest of us who speak with awful honesty about the absence of God in the world, and about the storm of his absence, both without and within, which, because it is unendurable, unlivable, drives us to look to the eye of the storm. (Telling the Truth 44)

And of course, we could add, film writers and directors, cinematographers, and, last but not least, dancers! because the best dance often tells a story too. Stories ignite imagination, and imagination is the engine for the uniquely human capacity for empathy, compassion, understanding.

So, all that being said, what do I do about reconciling the divide between art and church? Rather than focusing on the lack of creative outlets within my church setting, I have decided to serve and minister by creating on my own creative outlets—taking classes, attending workshops and galleries, showing my work, etc.—hopefully helping to change the climate for art and the church. I work and create art within the “real” art world in my city, operating under the idea that I can be a liaison between the two worlds: I bring art to church goers and faith to the art world. Because I’m out there as a lone Christian navigating the ethics and opinions of the art world, I try to set boundaries for myself and am intentional about maintaining key relationships with Christian friends to help keep me grounded in my faith. I’m not always perfect in my witness, but I hope that the relationships I am building give these friends and acquaintances a chance to see the constancy of my character rather than just a glimpse of a one-time slip up or flaw.

Setting boundaries might be helpful for you, should you decide to pursue your hip-hop dancing or pageants; you’ll be one of few Christians participating in a world that can seem so far from Christianity. While I don’t believe that working with non-Christians in a non-Christian setting results in “losing your faith,” I do believe that we can find ourselves adopting poor theologies or compromising in areas if we don’t remain diligent with our boundaries. A firm grasp on our identity in Christ and on our motivations for pursuing art/dancing/pageantry can allow us to carry our Christ’s work in fields sparsely populated by Christians. And again, that firm grasp is not something any one person can do on his or her own. We must be rooted in Scripture and in genuine Christian community. (And familiarizing yourself with the stuff Probe does is really helpful too, because you will be asked to defend your faith in the art world… sometimes by people hostile to Christianity.)

Take time to think through and pray through your next steps, but know that if you continue to be drawn back to these desires to pursue film, dancing, or pageantry God can bless these goals. He created you with your creative gifts and needs. Just remember to include Him in every step along the way.

All my best,
Emily Brown

Emily is a long-time and dear friend of mine, and I’m thrilled to have her guest post here at Speak What We Feel. She is a brilliant mind and a talented artist, among other things, who along with constantly working on her craft, also teaches art to sometimes precious sometimes precocious elementary students.

Emily earned her BFA in Visual Art Education from the University of North Texas, the majority of her studio work in sculpture, ceramics, and printmaking. Galleries in both Dallas and New York have featured the sculpture of e brown.

What’s your experience with art in church?

How can we reintroduce the Arts to our congregations?

How can we encourage and nurture the artists in our faith communities?

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