I believe that you are a heartfelt Christian; you are also a very cute hearfelt Christian.

I don’t think you realize, or can realize, how much damage being a heartfelt Christian (or Jew, or muslim) can do.
A girl wrote you an email about being in love with a Jew, and that her situation was driving her crazy. Your answer started out talking about open-mindedness, compassion, growing, etc., then said:

“Here’s the thing. The Bible is pretty clear that it is unwise to create intimate partnerships with non-Christians”.
You then quoted several passages from the bible warning Christians of the dangers of being with non-Christians.

Renea, I used to be a Christian; now I am an atheist. For one reason:
Christians. Christians who use the bible to explain why love can only triumph if you are both of the same faith; the same way that Jews, muslims (place your religion here) say that you both have to be the same religion. The True Religion; that is, your religion (whatever it happens to be).

I think that belief in God shouldn’t require this kind of separation and alienation from someone you love, simply because they don’t worship God in the same way you do. If worshipping God in the same way, the same religion, must come above loving someone, then there is something wrong either with God or the religion.

There is nothing wrong with God. There is everything wrong with religion.

I once had love with a Christian girl, for four years in college. It was four years of breaking up and getting back together, because her religion and minister told her that she couldn’t be with a non-Christian. (“If she had brought you into the Church and you had been saved, you would have seen the Light and have your love”.) Why can’t I see the light of God in my own way, in my own religion? Isn’t God bigger than that?
No, he isn’t; because He is Only a Christian god, and demands that.
No, Renea. The Christian Church demands that, just as all the other religions do, and has made millions of people miserable, just as it has made gay people miserable who it opposes not just having the right to marry, but being gay, being with the person you love, regardless of their gender.

“But being gay is a sin”. Wonderful. God made us each individually, which means he made some of us homosexual. So why would he “make us” so sinful? I know you may say that the gays must “resist their temptation”. Why should they? If God made some people gay, why should they resist their temptation for a same-sex relationship,
when the rest of us straight people can get married and enjoy sex while the gay people are “sinning” if they do, since God made them that way?
Pretty arbitrary, capricious and mean God, wouldn’t you say?

Only if you believe he feels that way. As an atheist, I give God far, far more credit than that for compassion and goodness, than to put some people into a trap like that.

Christianity made me an atheist. I hope for you that you will free yourself of this superstition that causes you to give terrible advice to someone in love who came to you for help.
Or at least stop advising people to give up their love, if their love doesn’t go to their same church.

It isn’t very Christian of you. Or if it is, that’s worse.

Sincerely,

Jon Davidson
Los Angeles

Thanks for commenting! I appreciate your perspective, and am in no way wishing to change your personal convictions, but doctrinally, it just is not that simple.

With smoking, that passage in Corinthians is talking specifically about sexual sin, and though the principle that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit can be broadly applied to personal convictions about smoking, that passage does not imply smoking is a sin. Where do we draw the line? Is it a sin to be overweight? If so, how overweight do you have to be to be considered sinning? Is it a sin to eat fast food? We all know fast food is horrible for our bodies. Where do we draw the lines?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe smoking and poor diet/excercise habits are foolish. But that doesn’t necessarily make them a sin, that is, something which inhibits, or hinders, our relationship and connection with God. And that’s what matters.

With movies, can non-Christians ever bring glory to God with their art? If so, how? Does the work bring God glory simply because the messages in the movie line up in certain ways with the Message of the Gospel? If so, how much has to be similar? Again, where do we draw the lines?

(Of course, we know from Scripture that God can bring glory to himself in all sorts of ways we wouldn’t have expected him to. Reading through the Old Testament can be particularly enlightening in this regard. Look at Tamar and Judah for example, people in the lineage of Christ himself!)

Can we bring glory to God as we engage critically with film and the philosophies we see in them? You see, light has a tricky way of sneaking into everything… especially stories, many times even unbeknownst to the writer/director, sometimes even against his or her wishes. And so it is critical that as Christians we engage art (which movies often are) on the lookout for ways in which we can point out the connection of all stories to God’s Original Shimmering Story, his narrative of Creation, Fall, Redemption.

Personal conviction derives from the way God has uniquely created us as individuals and how our singular personality and wiring is affected by the Fall – our particular tendencies, weaknesses, addictions, our circumstances, our personal history. These are the primary factors we should consider when we prayerfully decide whether a particular book, movie, song is spiritually safe for us to read, watch, listen to, and redemptively engage through our Creation-Fall-Redemption view of the world.

Anyone who believes he or she is safe from the all the various temptations available in pop culture is a fool. My friend and colleague Todd Kappelman wisely notes and advises, “Exercising rampant Christian freedom does not necessarily mean one is a strong Christian [referring to 1 Cor 8]. It could indicate that one is too weak to control one’s passions and is hiding behind the argument that they are a stronger brother.” When we engage our culture, we must use a “framework of moderation,” to use Todd’s phrase, that addresses our particular weaknesses, for we are all of us the weaker brother somewhere. We need to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses, and the best way to do that is to ask God and ask other believers who love us and are discerning and nuanced in regard to engaging culture, to invite the inner circle of our faith community into the part of our lives where we ask serious questions about the books we read, the movies we watch and the music we listen to.

There is a difference between conviction and legalism. One of those differences is the legalistic compulsion to impose one’s personal convictions on others. It is possible to abstain in a genuinely free way. I greatly admire my friends who abstain; who don’t even have a TV, for example. Together we add to the richness of each others’ lives by bringing perspective to one another about who God is and how we relate to him. Together we present to the world a more complete picture. It is the diversity of the Body that most beautifully represents Christ to the world. And it is vital to our Christian calling to live as much as we can in the tension between the pulls of legalism and libertinism. The ebb and flow of this kind of living is part of what in means to live the full, rich, abundant life of Christ.

Thanks again for your comment, Kelsey. Sin is a difficult subject in Christian theology, and one that the church generally does a poor job teaching. Black and white rules about everything for everyone is easier, but not the way of Christ. At the same time, Christ did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. The way of Christ is generally a Middle Way. Not legalism. Not liscenteousness. But the full, abundant life which forces us to be dependant upon the Holy Spirit who dwells within us.

Grace to you, Kelsey, particularly if you’ve made it through to the end of this really long response!

With affection in our Lord,
Renea

Thanks for commenting with your story. You’re right. Either he’s no longer interested romantically, or (and I think it’s important—especially as you consider him a trustworthy person—to largely give him the benefit of the doubt that he means what he’s said) he is nervous it won’t work because of your history together—particularly perhaps because yall’ve hooked up and that ‘didn’t work out.’

So, which is it? There’s only one way to find out. I’m going to pull directly from my friend Sharideth’s recent post on this very issue. She wisely states:

safe is lonely.

friendship is to dating, what dating is to marriage. the trial period.

stop limiting yourself.

guys, for more on picking the lock on the friend box you’re in, read an open letter to nice guys.

girls, find your pride… and move on. either he’ll realize he missed out and run you down or he won’t. then you’ll be free.

Erin, you’ve gotta move on. You don’t need to convince yourself or force yourself to stop having feelings for him. Just close the door but leave the window open. Be friends if you can… if you can’t, don’t. But have boundaries. Don’t hang out with him all the time like you would a boyfriend. Don’t hookup. As my friend Joy says, don’t snack.

I hope that’s helpful. Don’t spend too much time regretting the past or even your current situation, learn from it. I’m so glad you’re at a place now where you’re more confident in who you are. Use that confidence now. Stand up for yourself. If this guy really is your friend, he wouldn’t want you to do anything less.

From my heart,
Renea

So the deal is I bring you conversation hearts and you make filet mignon and chocolate cake? Game on.