and I loved it, read it in two days Things did get better after I read the book, but I’m having a hard time respecting my husband unconditionally because I feel like I am the only one putting effort into our relationship. And sometimes I pray that God give me patience and to help me respect him unconditionally, but it’s hard knowing that he’s not putting effort. Help! What should I do?

Yes, it’s hard and of course you feel discouraged. That’s natural; that’s normal. There’s no shame in that. Know that the Lord sees your faithfulness even if your husband doesn’t. Know that God will honor your faithfulness. Scripture talks about doing all our work (and marriage, particularly when it feels so one-sided, is most certainly work) as unto the Lord. You are being a witness to your husband, but ultimately you are serving the Lord. And you are not alone.

(Check out that whole passage in 1 Peter. It’s great. Start in chapter 2, verse 11 and go through chapter 4 which starts out with the helpful and encouraging exhortation: “Since Jesus went through everything you’re going through and more, learn to think like him.”)

It is hard. You’re right. But your efforts will never be for nothing. You are becoming a better human being if nothing else, with greater capacity for love and respect in general. God promises that nothing is wasted when we place it in his economy.

Stay in there. Persevere. Fight. The Lord is with you always.

I’m glad you enjoyed Love & Respect and find it helpful and insightful. You may want to read through all of it or parts of it again for encouragement. May I also suggest reading through the whole Bible. It’ll change your life. Here’s a plan to help, or if you have a smart phone, there are several Bible apps that have very helpful reading plans. Don’t worry about not being able to stick to the schedule all the time; hardly anyone is able to do that, especially the first time through. When you miss a day, don’t worry; just keep going!

I remain yours prayerfully,
Renea

What other advice would you give this young woman?

How else would you encourage her?

What are you getting me for my birthday on Thursday? (I prefer opals to diamonds.)

I've never been so jealous of an 8 year old before.

Okay seriously, what is your best birthday story? Which of course could include worst birthday story.

Here’s one that sorta counts as one of each:

During a laughter-filled dinner where dear friends chipped in for melt-in-my-mouth cedar plank salmon from Pappadeaux, my friends were getting a little miffed at our waitress who knew it was my birthday but never brought the staff to sing. This was perfectly fine with me, but each time our waitress would go sing Happy Birthday at another table, my friends’ sense of injustice rose and rose.

I consented to let my friends sing to me. After the meal. Outside the restaurant. Besides, they’ll sing in 4-part harmony and be way better than the poor, duty-bound waitstaff.

In the parking lot, my four friends begin to raise their voices, singing heart-felt Happy Birthday, when a middle-aged woman, quite inebriated, stumbles over to us, shouting over the song: Oh! That’s soooo goooood! That’s soo goood. It’s my birthday too! Oh, it’s my birthday too. It’s my birthday song! They’re singin’ for our birthdays; it’s so good…

And as my friends get to, Happy birthday dear… our new friend helpfully informs them of her name. My friends look at each other awkwardly and sing both our names while Inebriated sways and conducts. I’m grinning because I catch Kara’s eye, and I can tell by the fire there she’s not going to do it. And sure enough, with extra emphasis, I can hear Kara above the others holding out my name, singing it as loudly over the other woman’s name as possible, glaring at her. It. Was. Awesome.

Really, the whole situation was hilarious. My friends were aghast, but I wouldn’t trade this outlandish moment and the great story it is for a normal birthday serenade, no sir.

It’s one of my favorite birthday memories. What’s yours?

Okay, but seriously, what are you getting me for my birthday on Thursday? (I accept checks…)

Reblogged from speak what we feel:

A Theology of Romance I really appreciate and highly recommend Laura Smit’s book, Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love. It isn’t your typical book on singles and romance. Right away, the subtitle lets you know this book is special because while there are countless books on mutual love and our moral responsibilities as Christian lovers, hardly anyone writes about our responsibility toward virtue when feelings are not mutual. Smit begins with a “theology of romance” in which she …

Flashback Friday!

Ever been in a situation where you’re into someone but they’re not into you? What about when someone likes you but you have no romantic interest in them? All the time, right?

It’s a good thing there are so many helpful books at the Christian bookstore which talk about this scenario then. Oh wait. That’s entirely untrue. You’re only gonna find books on dating and marriage. Well, what about the other 80% of the time?

There is one book. Keep reading.

Dear Maria,

Because of the nature of your question, I asked an artist friend of mine if she wouldn’t mind responding to your question, and she graciously said she would even though she’s super busy. I know you’ll benefit from being able to hear from someone in the arts who has struggled with the very thing you are struggling with. (See her response below.)

Please email again if you have other questions.

God’s grace and favor be upon you.
Renea

Maria,

As a Christian artist I, too, have felt discouraged at times in my artistic pursuits. Believers are biblically directed to use our God-given gifts and talents to serve the church and to reach unbelievers, yet many times “gifts and talents” is too narrowly defined; for example, sometimes where I live, serving… for women… equals baking, and ministering equals taking prayer requests. Of course baking and praying are legitimate ways to show God’s love to others, but why limit ourselves by defining service and ministry so narrowly? Where do the Arts come in? For many Protestant churches this answer lies solely in the music programs: choir programs, bands/orchestras/praise teams. Rarely are there outlets for the visual arts, literature, or performing arts (theatre, dance).

Unfortunately for Protestant church goers, this de-emphasis of the Arts goes all the way back to the Protestant Reformation, where early Protestant believers protested against the lavishness and ritual of the Catholic Church. 16th and 17th century Protestant churches were devoid of architectural and iconic ornamentation—ascetic to a fault. We lost the culture of performance while worshiping (bodies expressing love and devotion to God),
images within the church to teach and inspire, and buildings designed with sensitivity to show how architecture affects the human condition.

So what does this mean for you and me, creative individuals with talents for sculpting, painting, writing, singing and dancing? I have watched artistically minded Christians leave the Christian context for the world’s culture of entertainment, performance, and artistic expression because by the time we reach adulthood, we’ve been offered no serious opportunities to grow and develop our artistic abilities. This leaves us to pursue and learn about art and the purposes of the Arts in places that often leave out and ignore the redemptive end goal of the Arts. By “redemptive end goal of the Arts,” I mean, for example, how music, theatre, paintings and sculpture all attempt to slow us down and communicate with us in a way outside of logic-driven thinking, showing us nuance and multiplicity. Furthermore, art works redemptively in its unique ability to grow our human capacity for empathy. Novelist Frederick Buechner puts it this way:

There would be a strong argument for saying that much of the most powerful preaching of our time is the preaching of the poets, playwrights, novelists because it is often they better than the rest of us who speak with awful honesty about the absence of God in the world, and about the storm of his absence, both without and within, which, because it is unendurable, unlivable, drives us to look to the eye of the storm. (Telling the Truth 44)

And of course, we could add, film writers and directors, cinematographers, and, last but not least, dancers! because the best dance often tells a story too. Stories ignite imagination, and imagination is the engine for the uniquely human capacity for empathy, compassion, understanding.

So, all that being said, what do I do about reconciling the divide between art and church? Rather than focusing on the lack of creative outlets within my church setting, I have decided to serve and minister by creating on my own creative outlets—taking classes, attending workshops and galleries, showing my work, etc.—hopefully helping to change the climate for art and the church. I work and create art within the “real” art world in my city, operating under the idea that I can be a liaison between the two worlds: I bring art to church goers and faith to the art world. Because I’m out there as a lone Christian navigating the ethics and opinions of the art world, I try to set boundaries for myself and am intentional about maintaining key relationships with Christian friends to help keep me grounded in my faith. I’m not always perfect in my witness, but I hope that the relationships I am building give these friends and acquaintances a chance to see the constancy of my character rather than just a glimpse of a one-time slip up or flaw.

Setting boundaries might be helpful for you, should you decide to pursue your hip-hop dancing or pageants; you’ll be one of few Christians participating in a world that can seem so far from Christianity. While I don’t believe that working with non-Christians in a non-Christian setting results in “losing your faith,” I do believe that we can find ourselves adopting poor theologies or compromising in areas if we don’t remain diligent with our boundaries. A firm grasp on our identity in Christ and on our motivations for pursuing art/dancing/pageantry can allow us to carry our Christ’s work in fields sparsely populated by Christians. And again, that firm grasp is not something any one person can do on his or her own. We must be rooted in Scripture and in genuine Christian community. (And familiarizing yourself with the stuff Probe does is really helpful too, because you will be asked to defend your faith in the art world… sometimes by people hostile to Christianity.)

Take time to think through and pray through your next steps, but know that if you continue to be drawn back to these desires to pursue film, dancing, or pageantry God can bless these goals. He created you with your creative gifts and needs. Just remember to include Him in every step along the way.

All my best,
Emily Brown

Emily is a long-time and dear friend of mine, and I’m thrilled to have her guest post here at Speak What We Feel. She is a brilliant mind and a talented artist, among other things, who along with constantly working on her craft, also teaches art to sometimes precious sometimes precocious elementary students.

Emily earned her BFA in Visual Art Education from the University of North Texas, the majority of her studio work in sculpture, ceramics, and printmaking. Galleries in both Dallas and New York have featured the sculpture of e brown.

What’s your experience with art in church?

How can we reintroduce the Arts to our congregations?

How can we encourage and nurture the artists in our faith communities?

We are exhorted as Christians to be masters of, rather than be mastered by, our bodies. Disciplining our bodies can help us with the spiritual disciplines. And being generally healthful within our capacity to be so can be a part of a full and rich life, such as it seems we were intended to have in the beginning.

That being said:

In a world where size 12 (US) is considered “plus size”, how can we maintain healthy boundaries with the Lose Weight Culture of our day which often sees itself as an end in itself and can easily lean toward extremes and false absolutes/ideals?

What does this subculture say is important? How does it define personal value?

And in what ways does that script comply with Scripture? In what ways is it antithetical to the biblical script?

There will always be hope in my heart for Susan Pevensie that she will turn one day from trivial things to eternal things. I think that hope is why I chose Susan when I was given this assignment. “Once a king or queen in Narnia, always a king or queen.”

Once a Queen in Narnia

Sullivan was right: “Form follows function.” And it is for this reason C.S. Lewis chose to write children’s literature, for through the adventures of children, Lewis pits the child-likeness of God’s Kingdom against the childish grownups of modernity. Of the many children in C.S. Lewis’s fantastically magical series The Chronicles of Narnia, the most well known are the Pevensies, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. The four brothers and sisters have grand adventures in Narnia and become beloved kings and queens. Susan however, is not as active in the series as the other children because she is not as much of a child. Perhaps better than any adult in the chronicles, Susan represents the realm of Grownups. And it is her self-seeking desire to be grown-up that corrupts and misdirects her practicality, gentleness, and beauty.

Much like Mrs. Beaver, Susan is constantly concerned that everyone have adequate provisions. Without Susan, the four children would have frozen to death before seeing any adventures in Narnia (Lion 51). And again when they are suddenly called back to Cair Paravel to the aid of Prince Caspian, it is Susan who attends to their warmth and safety (Caspian 5-6). Susan is levelheaded and practical. But her street-wise never reaches the fullness of wisdom because of stifling motives in her heart. For Susan desires to show off her “grown-up” savvy and do what grown-ups would say is right, which stops her from following her heart and doing what actually is right (Lion 2).

Wisdom is also shortchanged by fear. Perhaps practicality is in part a mere cover-up; Susan wants to do the practical thing because… continue reading.

Hey Erin. Thanks for writing. I have been praying about your email and for you and your boyfriend and family, and hope that is reflected in my response.

I totally get how being in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with a non-Christ-believer sharpens you in your faith. That’s part of how faith works when we live our faith out in the world with people who do not believe. When Christians insulate themselves and never have any real contact with non-Christians, they become weaker not stronger in the faith because they rarely have to exercise their faith. When everyone agrees with us and never pushes back against our beliefs, we can be comfortable and feel safe, but that’s not faith. So I’m glad you’re growing in your understanding of your Christian faith as a result of your relationship. That’s awesome.

Here’s the thing. The Bible is pretty clear that it is unwise to create intimate partnerships with non-Christians:

Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. God himself put it this way:

“I’ll live in them, move into them;
I’ll be their God and they’ll be my people.
So leave the corruption and compromise;
leave it for good,” says God.
“Don’t link up with those who will pollute you.
I want you all for myself.
I’ll be a Father to you;
you’ll be sons and daughters to me.”
The Word of the Master, God.

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (The Message)

It isn’t about restrictions; it’s about freedom. Check out what Paul writes just before this passage:

Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively! (11-13)

As you can see, this passage isn’t talking only about dating and marriage partnerships, it’s talking about all kinds of partnerships, of which dating and marriage are certainly included. And what’s the point? What’s the big deal? Keep reading:

With promises like this [that God will live in us, knit his Spirit into ours],  dear friends, let’s make a clean break with everything that defiles or distracts us, both within and without. Let’s make our entire lives fit and holy temples for the worship of God.

Trust us. We’ve [Paul and his ministry team] never hurt a soul, never exploited or taken advantage of anyone. Don’t think I’m finding fault with you. I told you earlier that I’m with you all the way, no matter what. I have, in fact, the greatest confidence in you. If only you knew how proud I am of you! I am overwhelmed with joy despite all our troubles. (7:1-4)

When your parents emphasize that they will love you no matter what, chances are what they’re saying is exactly what Paul is saying to the Corinthians: If only you knew how proud I am of you! I am overwhelmed with joy despite all our troubles (over your relationship with your boyfriend). Chances are, when your parents say they love you no matter what they mean it. They love you more than they’re disappointed in your decision to date someone who rejects Christ. Their disappointment doesn’t mean they are judging you/not loving you. They’re disappointed because they love you.

Now, I admit. I don’t know your parents. So, it’s possible that isn’t true. It’s possible that they’re only saying they love you when really they’re judging you. But it’s unlikely. Most people are good-willed people. It’s important to give your folks the benefit of the doubt. They’re human, so they’re not perfect; they need your understanding; they need your grace.

Lest you think there’s only one passage in the Bible which addresses this issue, I want to add briefly that the Old Testament is chalked full of warnings against marrying outside of the faith. Some people use these OT passages to suggest the Bible is against interracial relationships. But that misses the point entirely. They’re passages that speak about the importance of Hebrews marrying Hebrews and not pagans who worship false gods and idols, which has everything to do with a person’s relationship with God and nothing to do with his or her nationality. We know this to be the case when we consider heroes of the faith such as Rahab and Ruth, neither of whom were Hebrews, both of whom came to fear (know) the Lord better than many natural Hebrews and were used by God in significant ways, most significantly as women in the lineage of Christ! This is the same vein which runs through the New Testament command not to be “unequally yoked” in 2 Corinthians 6 (ESV). Biblical warnings against marrying certain types of people have everything to do with their relationship with the Holy One (and ours) and nothing to do with nationality, ethnicity or race.

So, now I have a question for you. I appreciate that you and your boyfriend respect each other’s religious beliefs. It’s important to always start with respect. But if Christianity is true and Christ is the only One who can give us the life God intended for us to have all along in the first place, can you really be content merely respecting your boyfriend’s belief and him merely respecting yours as if it were an opinion about who should win American Idol? Are the words of Christ about life and life everlasting just an opinion? Or are they true?

That is the question you have to answer for yourself. And it is much more important than whether or not dating a non-Christian is a sin. And if Christ is the Truth and not just an opinion, then how much do you really care about your boyfriend? Enough to respectfully implore him to accept the full, abundant life found in Christ alone?

I hope you will thoughtfully and prayerfully consider these things.

I hope too that this is helpful to you. If I can clarify something or help with any other questions, please write again. My prayers have been for you and your boyfriend and your family since I first received your email, and they are with you now.

Yours,
Renea

If you could get everyone in your church to read two books, one fiction, one non-fiction, what would make the top of your church’s required reading list?

Every once in a while I dig through the archives and dust them off. I’m a compulsive tinkerer. Recently, I thought, It would be fun to feature some of these moldy oldies; introduce them to my new readers and reintroduce them to my faithfuls.

And so I bring you SWWF’s first Flashback Friday. And to kick things off, we’re going way back.

I thought it’d be nice to review a book review (something I did much more of on this blog before the grad school zombies got my brains). Allow me to reintroduce a book I’m regularly recommending on this blog, Cornelius Plantinga Jr’s,

Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be

I really appreciate this book; Plantinga is an engaging writer and does well covering the essentials of a difficult subject.

Something I really benefited from while reading Not the Way was… Continue reading

Just wanted to give a shout out and say thanks to my readers for sharing this project with me. Click on the link below to see favorite posts, top commenters, and where your fellow readers are in the world.

Happy 2012!

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,700 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.