Hi Kerri.

I’m glad you wrote. I hope this can be the first step for you toward ending this toxic relationship with your ex. Any time we want to implement drastic changes in our lives, we need to take drastic measures. It’s time to cut all ties with your ex.

All. Ties.

If you need to, have a friend stand with you in the room when you call or text him to tell him you can no longer have ANY contact with him, that it’s what’s best for both of you. Ask him to respect your need for this by not contacting you. Then delete his number.

If he disrespects you and keeps calling/texting, block his number. Do what you need to do the break free so you can enjoy the good things God has waiting for you.

Quitting him is step one.

Step two is not quitting you… step two is accountability.

Love yourself enough and have enough respect for your life goals to ask for help from a woman in your life who loves you and preferably shares your goals and your vision of yourself (who you want to be and how you want to live). When you feel the urge to contact your ex, contact your friend instead.

When you get the urge to masturbate, pray; get out of your bed and on your knees. It’s not that kneeling will make your prayers heard better, but it is helpful to replace one bodily action/position with another bodily action/position. There may be times when you need someone to pray with you through the more difficult times of withdraw. That’s okay. That’s what the Body of Christ is for. (If these things don’t work for you over time, you may need to find help with a professional counselor. That’s okay too.)

Finally, give yourself grace.

You’ve repented to God. Walk in his forgiveness.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:8-9)

This doesn’t mean from point x on you’ll be perfect. It means you depend upon God over and over (like we all need to!). Even the apostle Paul, who wrote much of the New Testament, felt like you are feeling:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. [...]

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:15, 21-25)

God never gives up on us. When you stumble, give yourself grace; or rather, receive the grace God has already given you.

I hope this helps.

With love,
Renea

Reblogged from speak what we feel:

It's voting season, a good time to remind ourselves of our responsibility toward respect for others (including politicians).

“Is it okay?” is what we always ask, but we’d probably be better asking Is it wise? I can’t answer that question for you because it’ll be different for everyone. Hopefully, I can help you answer it with some general principles.

So, it’s totally cheaper to share a room, and sometimes rooms with one double bed are cheaper still. I completely get why you’d want to share. You and your girlfriend need to consider your pasts, the specific struggles you have, your “record” together physically, and your goals for the future, then ask Is this wise? Your girlfriend should also take her ovulation cycle into consideration. God designed women to want sex most when we’re most fertile. Go figure.

Let me set up some examples. If one or both of you have had sex before, it might not be wise to put yourselves in this situation. It’d be like having an AA meeting in a bar. Dumb. If you find yourselves already having a hard time “stopping,” it’s not a good idea. It is a good idea to discuss boundaries together while being honest about how each can serve the other best: ie. How can I make it easier for you and not harder? That might mean being strict about changing and showering and leaving underwear out and about. It might mean choosing not to give backrubs, choosing not to cuddle in bed, choosing to only kiss in public… Like I said, I can’t make those choices for you, only the two of you, and perhaps someone who knows you(r past and present struggles and future hopes and dreams) better than I do, can make and help make those choices. What I do know, is that no matter how silly something seems, don’t be proud. The strong person knows him or herself and has the courage to do what’s necessary. It’s the weak ones who scoff at boundaries and think they can handle it.

One more thought. While your minds might not “ever consider sex of any sort,” your bodies certainly are. If abstaining from stuff that feels good but isn’t good (like extramarital sex) were up to the mind, or the will, it would be a lot easier to avoid. So, listen to the signals your bodies are giving, be honest with yourselves about what’s going on, and be prepared to do what’s necessary to protect yourselves even though it feels silly. For example, if you decide to share a room and realize that it isn’t as safe for the two of you and your goals for the future as you thought it would be, don’t be too proud or practical to make changes.

Hope that’s helpful.
Renea

Learning to ask Is it wise? is an idea that, for me, comes from Andy Stanley’s book called The Best Question Ever, which is really youthy and annoying in many ways, but which nonetheless provides a helpful premise.

Other thoughts that influenced this post come from Lauren Winner’s Real Sex, about which I’m not sure I could find anything negative to say.

Here’s a few “now playing” I’d like to see:

Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows. I have to admit, this isn’t usually my style, but I saw the previews, and it looks hilarious.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: Its star-studded cast of British favourites says it all.

Can you believe I still haven’t seen The Avengers? Well, I’m looking to remedy that.

Finally, I love me some claymation, and Sony’s The Pirates! Band of Misfits is just the thing to help me get my fix.

What about you? What are you anticipating this season?

“The Pharisee and the Publican”

The Pharisee stood and was praying to himself:
“God, I thank you that I am not like other people:
Emergents,
Democrats,
Anyone who isn’t just like me…
Or even like this Tax Collector.
I don’t fast.
And I don’t tithe.
But at least I don’t have tattoos or care about social justice.”

Then the Tax Collector,
standing quite some distance away,
prayed to himself:
“God, I thank you that I am not like other people:
Evangelicals,
Conservatives,
Anyone who isn’t just like me…
Or even like this Pharisee.
I don’t fast.
And I don’t tithe.
But at least I don’t drive an SUV or believe the Bible is actually true.”

And no one’s prayer was heard.
And the light was covered.
And the salt lost its saltiness.

I was over last year and popped into Watermark Community Church because I’ve been listening to Todd Wagner and Jonathan Pokluda on podcast and absolutely love them. I don’t care about the denomination as long as they have good strict doctrine and have a lot of young people I can meet. Are there any other churches similar to Watermark? What church do you go to and why?

Thanks, Stephen.

Artist: Susan Rudat
Check out her cool art here: http://susanrudat.blogspot.com/

If you like the preaching at Watermark, and the size doesn’t intimidate you, you’ll probably want to investigate their life groups. It’s the only way to really get plugged in there. Three of our staff are members at Watermark, and what they love about it is what everyone I know at Watermark loves about it: the church’s emphasis on the freedom found in community and confession. Next time you visit Watermark, let me know, and I’ll hook you up with my colleague Paul.

The closest thing to Watermark will be The Village Church. I believe the original campus is located in Flower Mound (a half hour or so outside of Dallas), but they have a satellite campus (where local church-goers get a live feed of Chandler) in Dallas. Lots of young Christians love Matt Chandler’s pull-no-punches preaching style.

I attend Christ Church Plano (a northern suburb of Dallas). Christ Church is the best of both worlds for me because it’s Anglican and evangelical. I grew up in a Bible church which finds its home base in Dallas Theological Seminary. I loved being there as a teenager, and when I went to university, I was astounded at how little other students who grew up in church knew about the Bible and the way preachers would take Scripture out of context in some of the churches I visited. But while I came to appreciate the emphasis on exposition I grew up with, I was also introduced to “high church” liturgy during my university years. I fell in love.

Liturgy, for me, provides a richer, fuller worship experience. In non-liturgical services, I often feel like a disembodied soul. Sermons would engage and stimulate my mind (and sometimes heart) and music would touch my heart (and sometimes mind), but when they didn’t, the service would be… essentially a bust. That’s a lot of pressure on the teaching pastor and the worship minister. And that kind of environment is perfect for creating superstar pastors like Chuck Swindoll, Francis Chan, Tony Evans, and Matt Chandler. Not that those guys aren’t great preachers; they are, but for me I need something besides a great sermon. I need embodied habits to prepare my heart and mind for worship: kneeling in prayer each week, taking communion each week, crossing myself as a reminder that I belong to the cross… I’m a visual and hands-on learner anyway, so it’s really helpful for me.

I also appreciate that the Anglican tradition values the aesthetics: art and architecture and classical choral music, for example. The choir can bring me to tears singing a requiem in Latin though I don’t understand any of the words; art speaks to that part of us which is more moved by evocation than elucidation; and this too prepares my whole self to respond to God.

Christ Church is also evangelical. So personal faith—Bible study, discipleship, and so on—is valued as well. They make a point to emphasize the meaning behind the motions. And along with the choir, there’s a contemporary praise band too; so again, it’s often the best of both worlds (and admittedly, sometimes the worst of both worlds too.:)

[For more on why I like liturgy, check out my post over at Thinking through Christianity: "The Importance of Liturgy."]

Hope that helps!
Renea

I’m saddened, and angered, by your story. Not sad because of, or angry at, you, but your boyfriend. I’m angry, as you should be, because if what you’ve said here is true, the way he treats you is not the way a friend or boyfriend is supposed to treat you. If he acts sweetly toward you at times, but does not respect you (by pressuring you to engage in sexual acts you don’t feel comfortable doing, then demeaning you for doing them), he is not being sweet, merely manipulative. He’s just pretending to be sweet so that you will do what he wants. If he loved you, he would honor you as the smart, strong, beautiful woman you are rather than trying to turn you into someone you’re not: for you are not a retard and you are not a whore. Your boyfriend wants to turn you into someone he can control and manipulate, someone he can make weak so that he can feel strong.

You need to get out. Leave him. If you can’t leave him for your self, leave him for the sake of your sweet son; take charge of your life for your son’s sake. I’m not a professional counselor; if you can get it, counseling will help you more than I can. Perhaps you should contact your local women’s shelter.

From my heart,
Renea

Faith Like Potatoes centers around a young, white African farmer who is forced to move his family to South Africa and start all over. As he does, he must overcome drought, tension in his family and his own deep-seated anger, as well as the tension and violence between white and black South African farmers. It’s a story of pain, truth, beauty, and redemption.

Even though I was able to read all this on the back cover, I wasn’t expecting to be very impressed. To be entirely truthful, I’ve come to expect a fair amount of cheesy dialogue and frankly, poor artistry (cinematography, plot nuance, imagery, symbolism, subtlety, etc.) from Christian film, with a few notable exceptions. To be fair, I like those “weird artsy films” that make you think, and I understand that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But that also means I’ve seen a good amount of high-quality, low-budget film. And while I think we still have lots of ground to recover as we relearn how to engage the arts, I’m also aware that we have and are making progress.

Affirm Film’s Faith Like Potatoes is evidence of this progress. The producers, editors, directors, and composers are highly experienced, award-winning experts both within and without faith-based film-making, and it shows. Often, faith-based films come across as unrealistic because they lack engaging, believable characters and dialogue and they over-simplify characters and their issues. These movies often provide one-size-fits-all answers and end up resolving problems and characters so pristinely that there are no complications, no loose ends, no lingering struggles or doubts, no ambiguities, no room for interpretation… no depth. Real people in real circumstances aren’t like that. People are complicated; what’s right and what’s wrong is sometimes unclear; accepting Jesus doesn’t make everything rosy and happily-ever-after all at once.

As Christians we ought to know better than anyone that complete resolution will never take place until Christ returns at long last to bring Justice and Peace to a hurting world. If we want our productions to speak to real people in real ways, we need to get real. We need to stop avoiding the wonderfully complex simplicities of the paradoxical life God designed (the last is first, die to live, etc.). Potatoes’ Regardt Van Den Bergh understands this. The well-known South African actor and director writes this of his work (of which The Visual Bible’s Matthew is his best known): “I, as a director, love telling true stories. To tell stories of how God impacts the lives of people is the best, but with it comes an awesome responsibility: the responsibility of being truthful and also representing the way of God in the person’s life accurately.” (www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/faithlikepotatoes/about/production-bios.html).

Overall, I think the film is successful in doing this. It doesn’t shy away from the tragedy that happens in Buchan’s life. (Faith Like Potatoes is based on the life of Angus Buchan, and is also the title of Buchan’s autobiography.) I did, however, feel that the aftermath of the death of his nephew was covered a bit speedily. I understand there are limits on film as a medium, and time is almost always a factor—Faith Like Potatoes is almost an even two hours long as it is—however, I still feel it was an important part of the whole of this man’s experience that shouldn’t have been rushed. We only glimpse rather than truly encounter the shame and guilt and anger Buchan struggled with. The film brings us face-to-face with Buchan’s immense sadness, but his other, darker feelings and struggles are only hinted at. Nonetheless, this dose of realism which portrays both the triumphs and tragedies of life is a good step in the right direction.

You’ve heard the old adage: It’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters most. We all have experience with this. We know that how we say what we’re saying affects how people receive it, and often whether they receive it at all. This being the case, we can see how bad art is an impediment to a good message; we begin to understand how it is nearly impossible to communicate a good message through a movie that just isn’t good. This is why I want to highlight Regardt’s Faith Like Potatoes. It’s good art. Not exceedingly great perhaps, but good. This film has quality acting, dialogue, cinematography—all believable, which allows its message to be believable too. And that is inspiring.

Hi.

Thanks for writing. Your question is one that Christians have been asking for a long, long time in different ways. Some early Puritans considered the theater out of bounds because they believed that anything “playing” with reality was not real and therefore not true. For the same reason, many evangelicals have raise similar concerns about novels and movies. But this is too limited an understanding of truth and too loose an understanding of deception.

This is the kind of reaction you want to see at VBS. (Photo from: http://www.hasslefreebirthday.com/home.html)

Magic tricks, generally, fall in the same category. When we go to see a magic trick, we know it’s a trick. We aren’t being deceived. The first thing people, even children, ask after seeing such a trick is, How did they do that!? We know there is a logical explanation. We just don’t know what it is, and it’s the mystery and the unknown that make it fun.

You may never become comfortable with magic tricks, and that’s okay. But you won’t find anything in Scripture that denounces such activities. Passages about sorcery would have to be grossly taken out of context, and passages about deception are going to be up for multiple possible interpretations and personal convictions, rather than universal for all Christians, in regard to this particular issue.

I hope that helps though I’m sure it isn’t the reply you were anticipating.

God’s peace,
Renea